From Challenge # 65  
January-February 2001

alternative disinformation

An Instant Solution to All Our Problems

The Next Failed Ape

Translated from the Viennese by Stephen Langfur

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, five years ago I stood before you and put forth my proposal for a just and viable solution to the conflict in our area, namely, that Israel should move to the largely undeveloped German Bundesland of Hessen. (See Challenge # 32.) I am sorry to say that the project has failed to make headway. For one thing, the Hessians have proved to be unreasonably attached to their land - despite their nomadic background, and despite the fact that they have so many other Bundesl?nder to go to. Most Israelis, for their part, understand the advantages of our proposal, but resistance has come, as expected, from our settler friends in the West Bank and Gaza. Despite my presentation of what I believe to be conclusive proofs, they refuse to see the startling affinities between the Bible and Grimms' Fairy Tales, a Hessian product. They insist that the ground on which they live is sacred and it alone. I am afraid, in short, that we shall have to take this fact as an axiom: our settler friends are rooted in this particular land, and to pull them out would be like pulling the caper out of the wall: it would take the wall with it. 

Let us be realistic, ladies and gentlemen. When an idea is dead, we must admit it. In this we may take heart from the example of our illustrious forebear, Theodore Herzl. We recall how, at a moment of crisis, he did not flinch from abandoning his proposal of 1893 that all Jews convert en masse to Christianity. Instead he introduced a different idea, known as Zionism. So too, in the Herzl spirit, let us not flinch. Before the very audience that applauded my speech five years ago, I today proclaim myself to be post-Hessian. And again in the spirit of Herzl, I shall offer for your consideration a different idea. (Applause.)

We must take it as an axiom, I say, that our settlers will not be uprooted. Very well. But we glance around today, and what do we see? The Palestinians in revolt! This time they've even made problems in Israel! You see how wise I was five years ago when I refused to let Israeli Arabs join us in Hessen. But never mind. Only this - just think: If we were there today, we could be listening to the hum of Opel factories instead of the blast of machine guns. We could be basking on the banks of the Rhine instead of patrolling the Jordan. We could be developing Frankfurt instead of armoring breadtrucks! Look at them over there in Germany and look at us! Is this fair?

But no. Realism, realism. Let us return to the Palestinians. We wanted to live in peace with them. We took their lands and offered our hands. Now they slap them, and we - we must be realistic. It is clear, it is axiomatic: they will not stop these disturbances until they get rid of our settlements. Even if a paper is signed. Even if we starve them to death. The fire will burn. Resentment will be there. It will never cease till the settlers are out of their sight. 

We have then two axioms: The settlers must remain, and the Palestinians will not leave us in peace until they are gone. And now, on top of it all, they are insisting that their refugees should have the same right to return that we have! They even want the Temple Mount! Peace seems impossible! 

Ladies and gentlemen, for weeks I have been in despair over this Palestinian chutzpah. In such dark moments, I go to the synagogue of Yohanan Ben Zakkai, set in the Jewish Quarter of our Old City. It was old BZ, you will recall, who invented a form of Judaism that could survive without the Temple. Or so we thought until the last few weeks. It turns out we cannot survive without the Temple. But never mind.

The old BZ - the synagogue named after him, I mean - looks modest from outside, but the main hall is deep down in the earth, giving the effect, from within, of height and grandeur - and not less important, leaving room for a women's balcony. It is said that the inspiration for this construction was a verse in Psalms: "Out of the depths I cry unto you, O Lord!" I was sitting there one afternoon, mulling over our seemingly hopeless plight, when for no particular reason I looked up, and it came to me... it came to me, my friends, like an answer... The principle of Ben Zakkai! Only more so! More so! All those who have previously dealt with our problem have thought in two dimensions, length and breadth. Indeed, if we remain two-dimensional in our thinking, the problem is insoluble, but - !

But, ladies and gentlemen, there is a third dimension! We already have an instance of what I mean in the New York subway system. That ingenious arrangement is meant, of course, for transportation, not permanent residence. And indeed, we shall have to go deeper. But why not, after all? The technology exists. The expense will be considerable, but as an ancient Zionist saying goes, "Let the Baron pay!" Our settler friends are rooted in the land. Why then, let's root them! The Holy Land! What is the Holy Land? Is it merely the surface? Is it not also the depth? 

As an example, let us take the settlement of Bethel, a congeries of white houses, orange roofs, tanks and machine guns, surrounded today by hostile Palestinian villages. Unable to travel safely, its denizens grit their teeth and hold heroically on. I propose that we re-establish Bethel in the depths of the earth at a point precisely below its present position. In this way, the settlers will not have left their ground. We shall keep the surface undug, however, and the present houses intact - for reasons I shall state shortly. We shall dig, then, an oblong cavity - say, fifty miles deep, so that the inhabitants of the new Bethel will have a sense of space above them. They are human, after all, and humans need a sense of space. As for air, light, water - these are of course mere technical problems. 

I know that the more mathematically-minded among you will have already noticed a catch. The earth, you'll remind me, is spherical. The cross-section corresponding to Bethel, fifty miles down, will be smaller than the settlement's present area. A simple diagram illustrates this: The inch gets smaller, so to speak, as one approaches the center of the earth, whereas the inch of a Bethelite will remain the same size, at least for a generation or two. Yes, of course, and my response is in several stages. First, it must be agreed in advance, as the price for our leaving the surface intact, that the Palestinians must forgo, cede, waive and surrender all and any claim to all or any part of the earth's interior at a point deeper than, say, ten miles. Secondly, any natural resources discovered along the way - such as gas, oil, minerals and archaeological treasures - must belong to us! (Applause)

Yes, to us! That's only fair, for we'll be the ones who dig. Well, not literally, but we'll be the ones who'll pay. Well, again not literally. But the whole thing's because of us! Thirdly, ladies and gentlemen - and here you will see the true beauty of this idea - we all know that the modern settlement of Bethel is not, in fact, where the ancient Bethel was, where Jacob had his dream of angels going up and down on ladders. No, an Arab village sits most impolitely on the authentic spot. But fifty miles down - why, who will mind - no! that is old thinking! Who will have the right to mind if we nibble out a little to the left, so to speak, taking in the corresponding cross-section of ancient Bethel as well? And then we can proudly announce to our compatriots in Israel above: "Bethel is in our hands!"

In this way, kind listeners, we can gradually take over the entire West Bank and Gaza Strip, including the resources - and no one will mind. Indeed, it will all be by agreement! Just like what Rabin and Peres were trying to do at Oslo! But this time it will work! Access to the new-old settlements will of course be from within Israel. We shall simply have elevators running on the diagonal, like those Jacob's ladders. I can hear it now - if you will forgive me a perhaps not undeserved moment of levity: "Beam me up, Moishele!" (Polite laughter.)

The climate will of course be hotter there, since our settlers will be nearer the core of the earth - the fiery furnace, so to speak. Those who have already bought winter togs for Hessen will have to exchange them for cottons. I see nonetheless an objection in your faces. Not to have the clear blue sky above! Yes, my friends, it will be missed at first. Consider, however, what will be above. The Holy Land! This is what our settler friends wanted, is it not? And now they shall get it in spades - no pun intended. Holy Land over them, Holy Land under them, Holy Land around them - O, rock my soul! They will be protected as well from the hole in the ozone. Their towns will consist in the most advanced fall-out shelters yet designed. They will no longer need armored buses or even military escort. But the advantages go on and on. I leave them to you. Nevertheless, I seem unable to get a rousing cheer from this crowd. You appear, in fact, stunned. The idea is indeed radical, but let me remind you, my friends: Given the contradiction of axioms with which we started, there is no other solution. Or does anyone have one? Except, of course, Hessen. (Silence.)

Yes. And another point. In contrast with our Hessen proposal, the basic principle behind our own has already been aired in official circles. In the present negotiations concerning the Temple Mount, as you know, the idea has been floated that the Muslims will get the upper part, whereas we shall get the depths of the earth. The ground for our proposal has already been prepared! 

But I think I know the reason for your present reserve. I am afraid most of you are still bound up in two-dimensional thinking. You are thinking, What! Leave the surface? Let the Palestinians win? Let them take the houses they built for us? Show them that violence pays? And what if they don't stop there - what if they then attack Israel itself? My friends, let me remind you of another time in our history. Once long ago, before we were human beings, we were apes and we lived in trees. Because of a change in climate, the trees became scarce, and the stronger apes threw the weaker ones out. Among these weaker apes, there were some who could walk more upright than the rest, peering above the tall grass. These were the ancestors of human beings. That is, we are all failed apes. Today we can go back and kill the real apes and no one objects, except a few loonies. Think about it. Our settler friends, in their new abodes, will form the basis for the next great leap in evolution! 

Let me now take up the weighty objection that the Palestinians may proceed to attack Israel itself. I have no such fear, and I will tell you why. First, the settlers will go underground in the spirit of the Zionist pioneers they have always wanted to be. The experiment will work so well that the depth dimension will be the "in" thing. They will call from below, "Judea and Samaria are here!" Seeing the advances they are making, all of Israel will follow. And now you will understand why I wanted the entire depth of the earth. We shall all go there! We shall be the new being! That will solve the problem of the Temple Mount! We shall have it down below! And let all their refugees return! What do we care? Remember what happened to the apes that stayed in the trees! Let us become, my friends, the next failed ape! Downward, downward, my countrymen! With Sharon and Barak, let us all go under! (A rousing cheer.)